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Manly Thoughts Before Estrogen Invasion

06/19/2012

Pretty soon my life will be surrounded by females. Not in the cool “Hugh Hefner” grotto way either. I’m talking full invasion of estrogen in my house (soon to be their house). I already have a wife and a daughter…but in less than two months we have another girl gracing our presence.  I will be completely surrounded by women. I will be severely outnumbered. Just to be clear: no we are not having any more kids; two is fine by us. Therefore we will not be “trying for a boy”. I realize the cultural disappointment with not having a son but I am okay with it.

Either way, as the manliest of men, I can’t help but wonder what my life will be like after the Estrogen takes over the house. Here are a few of my thoughts, queries, and random insights I have before my next daughter is born. Please excuse my ignorance…I am a manly man:

–           Holy crap I’m having another girl

–          Should I just glue the toilet seat down? It will never be up

–          Do I have to learn what “foundation” is?

–          Do women’s menstrual cycles really start to be in sync when they live together?

–          If previous statement is true, do I get a discount on Tampax if I buy in bulk?

–          What room would shield me from the menstrual induced rage that may come my way?

–          Holy crap I am surrounded by girls

–          I wonder if I should try the “all guys are pigs” technique on them.

–          But what if they think dogs are “cute”; am I sending a mixed signal?

–          How many years would I get for threatening one of their potential dates?

–          Why is “date” a nasty sounding word now?

–          I seriously need a man-cave now

–          Should I start working out to prepare for the bags I’m going to carry while at the mall with my daughters?

–          Since my voice will be lost in the mix, should I get an audio recorder so future generations could eventually hear my voice?

–          Homecomings, proms, random dances, etc.

–          Weddings….nope not going there

–          How much are chastity belts?

–          What age should they wear makeup?

–          Can I tell them that puberty means they did something wrong?

–          Speaking of which, I don’t think I want to have any kind of “training bra” conversations.

–          How far back do I need to sit in the theater to spy on them while not being noticed?

–          If my wife has 50 pairs of shoes, then my daughters will also have about 50 pairs of shoes. That comes to 150 pairs of shoes to my 3. Where will my shoes go?

–          I should get a card at Costco. They have bulk of everything….makeup, hair products, girl things, etc.

–          Holy crap I’m having another girl

–          Will my life be surrounded by pink?

–          Will they be “daddy’s girls”?

–          If so, how will they use that to trick me?

–          Doesn’t eye liner hurt?

–          What’s the ratio of compliments to insults so my daughters don’t have an image complex? I want them to be confident but not cocky.

–          Are there any support groups for battered men?

–          Are teenage girls really that hard to deal with?

About 6 weeks before the next girl arrives. 6 weeks till the estrogen consumes my life. Bye bye testosterone….my man card is in the mail.

Artistic WC

One Comment leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    06/19/2012 4:47 pm

    “Can I tell them that puberty means they did something wrong?”

    I like that one! Oh geez…I think you’ll do fine but I have to admit I was a pretty good kid until the ages of 13-17 and then I was a straight up bitch…at least I mellowed out, LOL!

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